Aaaaaaaaaaaaah...

Having gotten that awful rant out of my system feels like I took a really great poop.

In training we're learning that the mind is most absorbent to new information while in a relaxed and easeful state. As was obviously not the case with me, I was panicked about every aspect of my new schedule: juggling auditions with my new job, leaving early for class, going to yoga at 6am to fulfill requirements, personal practice...even alone time freaked me out.

Of course, the state of mind I am in when I enter a casting office is hardly ever so angry I can barely function. Sometimes it's a lot of fun. Obviously, were I booking all these jobs I pooh-pooh, my opinion of their role in my life would be far less dramatic and looked upon with much more humor. This is, perhaps if not certainly, the REASON I am not booking any jobs. So there, self.

After a rough time back in old New York, I told myself that I wasn't going to do anything from then on unless it was fun & easy. For two years after I made that promise, everything WAS. I invited it in, and recently I think I accidentally asked it to leave. People throw a lot of speculation as to why it sometimes seems in our nature to sabotage our own success. I happen to share the opinion of those who believe we are far more afraid of being happy than we are unwilling to be miserable. With happiness and clarity comes a feeling of great responsibility, and add the pressure of feeling you might actually have something to do with the way events transpire and that you can choose how you feel - and damn. That's heady shit. No wonder we don't want to deal with it, right? It's a lot easier to just deal what you've told yourself you got than to get your hopes up for something better.

OK, I don't know how I got off on this tangent, but the point is that I find myself incredibly boring when I'm unhappy and I also don't love being bored. Since I'm with myself all day every day, this poses a pretty big problem. There's value in finding humor in a bad situation, but creating a bad situation just for a joke is hardly healthy. But if I have to take myself incredibly seriously one day just to be able to say I don't want to be that way the next, then that's all a part of the process. Plus, getting pissed feels really good.

The other point is...I'm happy and I know it.

(clap, clap.)