Lost & Found & Found

This morning I was packing old journals into storage in the closet of my new studio apartment. On the top shelf of the closet, I found this. Addressed to no one, and dated on my 30th birthday.


10.1.08
Dear.

i need help - not financial hep, but help that changes lives. I am lost. I am a horrible decision maker. I am pathetic and self loathed & an idiot.

I can't get ahead financially. Always in the negative & borrowing money from my parents that goes to waste.

I have nothing to show for my negative bank account.

I am 3 months behind on car payments, no rent money. 6,000 in medical bills and 3 months behind on all my bills.

Work is slow so I have no consistent cash flow coming in and if it does, it is eaten by overdraft fees.

I am dating a loser wo "needs me" or maybe cause he thinks I have money. I don't know why he dates me.

I feel pathetic and a loser myself. Bad things are happening to me - because I think bad things? because I left my good husband and I must pay for it?

What is going to happen to me?

In my mind, I want to be making enough money to catch up on all my bills, pay rent & car. Pay back my parents and Robert, and buy nice clothes so I don't have to keep wearing the same thing over & over.

I would like to have a nice savings account, a lap top, a TV, a couch, and a nice bed with two sets of sheets. I would like to trade my car in for an Audii.

I want to be 100% healthy. I will have an amazing guy a guy who respects me, loves me, cares & supports me, includes me in his life & who is motivated, strong, handsome, great in bed, drives, & who has his own independent life and gives me my space. A guy who wants me to know his friends because he is proud of his "beautiful woman".

I want to listen to great music, take fun exciting trips, vacations that each time (I) we go, I come back thinking "that was the best time I've ever had". Drink the best wine Dance like I've never danced (with grace, beauty, sultry & confidence).

I will also be happy to be alone.

Walk the neighborhood with peace inmy head & love in my heart, & bags of goodies for me & my loved ones.

I will continue to keep my fit figure. Small waist nice hips & butt, juicy thighs, I will get my arms slim and maybe even get a breast augmentation to a full B.

I will thank every day for my beautiful hair.

I will know I am a hard worker. I will overcome this absent minded attitude & be a huge asset to the amazing company I am with. I will be smart. I'll have small, fun business ventures on the side.

I will have a savings account fund for my nephew Matthew. Whom I love more than anything I've ever known. I will always take care of him.

I will make my parents proud & see that they are taken care of till their last days.

I will not focus on negative things. I will never again be the girl with the "woe is me" persona.

I am going to visit my grandparents a lot more. watch Dancing with the Stars w/ my grandma, go to church w/ my other grandparents.

I will play the piano & sew. I will be creative - I am creative.

I am not afraid of today or tomorrow.

I have been blessed with everything I need - I am loved, I have a family, support, a great job, a good car & nice figure, a few great girlfriends whom I will cherish & do anything for

I am healthy. I know how to eat healthy. I have a great sister who I can call anytime I need to talk & vice versa.

I am not afraid anymore. Cause I have just received the help I needed. The help is within me and all around me. I just had to ask & see. I just had to believe. I will take care of Lucy - always. I will still cry & be lonely at times, but know that I am not alone. I have me - who really is the strongest person I know. Things won't be as amazing as I know they will be overnight, but today, I am not afraid or sad, or miserable.

I feel a light within me. A light that I turned on. A light that I will keep on, always. I turned the switch. It's always been there. I will do my best everyday to love & love myself, to be smart work hard and be healthy & positive. I will do my best to help myself. Because I love myself & I will not let me drown.

Lucy Rodriguez*




*all names have been changed.